Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Football and Comedy: The Fast Show (1994)

People often say 'Art imitates life', but it's just as true to say that comedy imitates football. A perfect example can be found among the three series of The Fast Show, a BBC TV series that contained more than its fair share of football references.

Here we see a short sequence from one episode that features Chanel 9 Neus, a pseudo-Latin American TV programme that doesn't allow paltry production values to get in the way of some truly awful broadcasting.

On this occasion we're treated not only to the usual shambolic news bulletin one would expect from Chanel 9 but also a sports report containing the latest football results from the land of El Presidente.

Here are a few things to look out for...

The opening titles for Chanel 9 Neus. For some reason, I always found it deeply amusing to see a piece of meat being hacked with a cleaver alongside more generic current affairs imagery. Perhaps it was just me...

Poutremos Poutra-Poutros (played by Paul Whitehouse) bids us a warm 'Bono estente' and the usual job of trying to identify as many random English cultural references in the dialogue begins.

Co-presenter Kolothos Apollonia (Paul Shearer) joins in with the brilliant line: "Aknopo dopra filla Whiskas - fullameatygoodness."

Apollonia: "Obrigado TIP I say Foghorn Leghorn."
Poutra-Poutros: "I say I say I say BOY!"

First football reference: the oft-mentioned Chris Waddle.

A short 'Presentation Commerciale' for the very reasonably priced 'Cielyn Gizmo'.

Sporto! (mia specifica Foota...)  Time to go across the studio to visit Antonios Gubba (Simon Day) who has all the final scores from Section Una.

I love the fact that all the matches finished 0-0 with the exception of one that was abandoned due to 'violencia'. As for the team names, each one is a joy to behold, my favourite being Bombo Chipolata. Strangely a Liverpool-supporting schoolfriend of mine could never pronounce 'Borussia Mönchengladbach' when he was very young and always said 'Munchen Brunchen Gladback' as an alternative. Perhaps that's where The Fast Show got it from...

"Antonios... Mentale!"

No visit to the Chanel 9 Neus studio would be complete without a bit of 'Heth-eth-eth, eth-eth-eth-eth-eth...'

The bulletin ends with Poula Fisch giving us one of her customary weather report. Who'da thought... SCORCHIO!

As Antonios Gubba blows his whistle for the final time, we say Boutros Boutros-Ghali to Chanel 9 Neus, but this won't be the last visit to The Fast Show for our 'Football and Comedy' series, of that you can be certain....

Previously in 'Football and Comedy':


  1. Roger Nouveau Football Fan: Of course, it wasn't always like that. I used to support... er? Manchester United. But then, you had to support them where I came from in... erm... Hampstead.

    Ron Manager: Cor, Ryan Giggs, you know? Giggsy, isn't it? Mmm? Giggsy-wiggsy? Mmm? Oh! Ryan-y Giggsy-wiggsy. Isn't it? You know, marvellous.

    Andy Rockall

  2. Is George Best the old Ryan Giggs? But Giggsy-wiggsy. Precocious talent, isn't he? Mmm? Ooh, got it all, you know? Speed, acceleration, sweet left foot, all the tricks - the dummy, the drop of the shoulder, the shimmy, nutmeg, jiggery-pokery, hocus pocus, abracadabra, I wanna reach out and grab ya. Steve Miller Band? Spin Doctors? Ooh, very similar.